hot herbal highlands

 I was rereading some of my writings earlier. during 2022 and a lot of 2023, I was very unhappy. it was at its worst in 2022, but even in 2023 I would write stuff in my notes app diary that got bad ridiculously quick: "I hope having more time to ourselves helps both of us. Maybe me taking action like this will inspire him to take more initiative or be more active or something. It's cold in my house. I wish I didn't exist..." like what!!! seriously!! still better than me kicking off the first entry (3/12/22) with "... I languished for 4 hours and went to bed. Anyways. I wasted today. It sucked. The end."    can't really say I'm any less dramatic now, but I hide it a little more thoroughly. Maybe my next entry will be about a poem addressing that! but this one... this one is going to be for Teto. the image quality is not really great, but oh well. you can only ask so much of traditional art and 5 year old iphone cameras. that aside, teto is one of the ...

yet again, it is friday and I am not feeling great. forgive me if I have nothing interesting to say... the only thing on my mind right now is how anxious and resentful I'm feeling and how much I'd like to vent in some way. hopefully the thai iced tea I'm gonna be drinking tonight fixes me... so, the poem I'll tell you today is... cool snail trail trickle down hot racers slide over the hill, off the cliff each wingbeat of my purple eyelids sending off another wave. dampness gathers around my neck and behind my ears. this one is my favorite, no contest. I wrote it one morning after I woke up in the middle of the night and wept. the meaning is pretty clear. it's about the way the hot tears slowly fall as I lay faceup, leaving behind a cool trail on my cheeks and a growing dampness wherever they land. I don't remember why I cried but perhaps it's for the best. I've been learning lately that preserving my negative emotions, in whatever form, is something I us...

 I've been trying to blunt my social anxiety by doing things that make me anxious. like (at the park) walking around aimlessly in the open where other people can see me, and leaving stores without buying anything. I want to be stronger someday!! I wasn't like this before... I used to be so much better. less weak, less worrisome. nowadays I have to remind myself that I have every bit as much of a right to exist and use public spaces as anyone else does. it's not always enough, but I hope it will be someday.  today, I guess I'll give you some lore. there are five goddesses, symoblic of the five states of matter. I don't have official names for them, despite the fact that these goddesses were literally the first part of the world that I came up with and the foundation/inspiration for the rest... anyways, they are: nonexistence (named Anti currently), plasma (Energy), gaseous (Air), liquid (Water), and solid (Solid! or Earth.) They each are symbolic of many other relate...

 today I feel tired. not bodily, just... talking, smiling, reacting to what's around me, it's all unbearable. after I write this post, I'm going to curl up with a blanket in the silence and dark to lay very, very still.    I'm offering up a poem this time, one from late summer last year. it stiffens  becoming brittle, ready  to crack and fracture  it is dry  the moisture it seeks is not  something it can have This describes me at a time when I was experiencing a range of feelings. I was bitter, tense, kind of angry in no particular direction. I wanted badly to lash out, and, in my attempts to hold myself back, ended up oozing instead. oozing a negative aura and being generally unpleasant to be around if you were someone who played a part in provoking all those feelings I was having. The moisture I mention is the satisfaction of lashing out at someone and ripping into them and just overall grinding them into dust beneath your heel and at the end of...

 listening to powerwolf right now. sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't. it's cold out today, after a nice string of warm weather, which kind of sucks, but hey, what can you do. work was easy today and I got to team up with Jessie, who I like, so my day has been good so far. yesterday at the grocery store I saw a guy who I thought might be Gabriel, my first boyfriend. that made me feel like someone plucked a cord within me and set my soul vibrating between my internal organs. I felt horrible and uncomfortable because I never want to see him again. luckily it was just some random guy with an indescribably bleak and oppressive aura. I hope to never see him again, as well. well, today I'll introduce Luros. pronounce the name LOO-roh-ss. she's one of 5 numen who each occupy a spot on a scale of least to most magical, her being the second most magical and possibly my favorite character. so... she's cursed, like all the numen, and has a corresponding blessing. her cur...