oh!!

 today I feel tired. not bodily, just... talking, smiling, reacting to what's around me, it's all unbearable. after I write this post, I'm going to curl up with a blanket in the silence and dark to lay very, very still. 
  I'm offering up a poem this time, one from late summer last year.


it stiffens
 becoming brittle, ready
 to crack and fracture
 it is dry
 the moisture it seeks is not
 something it can have


This describes me at a time when I was experiencing a range of feelings. I was bitter, tense, kind of angry in no particular direction. I wanted badly to lash out, and, in my attempts to hold myself back, ended up oozing instead. oozing a negative aura and being generally unpleasant to be around if you were someone who played a part in provoking all those feelings I was having. The moisture I mention is the satisfaction of lashing out at someone and ripping into them and just overall grinding them into dust beneath your heel and at the end of it all they apologize sincerely for upsetting you, take all the blame for themself, and let the situation end happily with you on the moral high ground. obviously, not gonna happen. not a chance, but :3 rightfully so..!
funnily enough, the next poem I wrote was a big long thing about validation, how desperately I wanted it and how easy it was to give and oh, why couldn't someone just give me some?? which was promptly blacked out within a month and transformed into a very short piece: "if I asked, would you? I wish you would." complete with an illustration of me with my eyes X'd out and a speech bubble that read "nothing I say matters"  it's safe to say I was feeling a little dramatic during that time period, though I no longer remember what was bothering me.